She Bangs

Sometimes I get bored with how I look... don't we all? Or do we? I never learned how to use makeup so I tend to mess with my hair when I get bored like this. Usually dying it, sometimes cutting it. Never styling it, I never learned that either. I'm a heavy abuser of the ponytail.

It's a bit odd, me getting bored with how I look, because I don't really look in mirrors. Never have, why bother now? My sister met an old lady that apparently looked very young and reminded her of me, especially when she said she didn't look in mirrors. My sister carried on about that for 20 minutes. She was either drunk or really amazed, or both. I guess I should add that I apparently look young for my age. I don't see it, but I believe the public. Strangers have told me they thought I was in High School or just out... I'm 31. I know it should be a compliment, but it doesn't feel like one... I'm a damn woman. Ha.

Anyway, truth is, I don't recognize myself by how I look. It's not what I identify as 'me'. I don't know if that is because I don't look in mirrors, or if I don't look in mirrors because of that. I don't take photos, but when I see myself in a photo it takes a second for me to recognize myself. I'm not sure if that is a thing (like a mental loopiness) or what... but that's what is going on in my world.

You know what I just considered? Maybe one day I'll find a look that makes sense to me, and when I look in a mirror I will see myself. That didn't happen this week when I dyed my hair a darker shade of red and got myself a fringe. Maybe next time...

I, like most gals these days, can get a bit lost on Pinterest. I don't know, maybe I saw too many bangs floating around my feed, but I started really contemplating bangs. What really caught my eye was bangs and a ponytail. It makes it look like it took more effort than just pulling up a ponytail (at least in my head).

After a spur of the moment pop into Fantastic Sams, I ended up with something like these bangs pictured on Olivia Wilde but not as full... as in you can see more of my forehead.

I think the gal who cut my bangs knew I was new to bangs and didn't want to over do it. I'm glad she went easy on me, I might have hated them and it'd be less hair I'd have to grow back. Turns out, I like them. Sure I didn't become magically beautiful like Olivia there. Or insanely Ka-Ute like Zooey Deschanel, who let's be real, makes every girl want a fringe. But, it was only $5... next time I go I may have her add more to the fringe now that I know I want them.

Nobody bangs like Zooey!

Nail Strips

Make me stop buying Sally Hansen Salon Effects Real Nail Polish Strips. Seriously, they are garbage. The cheapies at the dollar store have a better record for working for me and they do not cost a mini fortune!

I have been using nail strips for a few years. I'm not great at painting my nails. I'm not crazy about keeping them painted all of the time either. Nail strips are quick, and not so messy. I have used several brands including some Halloween print from Wal-Mart that cost less than 50 cents on clearance. So far my LEAST favorite is the MOST expensive ones I've tried... Sally Hansen. WTF?

I tried Laced Up on my thumb, which is usually the one nail I can get to work with any brand... nope, so I just stopped there. I tried Love Lacey and wasted a whole pack and only managed to get my left pinky and thumb covered.

So why did I bother paying so much, twice? Because I found a pack at the dollar store, Brattle Snake, and besides the stink, they worked amazingly. I thought then, that they were worth paying for since I got a complete set out of that pack (all nails covered) and they lasted through the first night without ripping. So, yeh, I went out and paid (TOO MUCH) for the 2 lacey prints. I got Laced Up cheaper at CVS on some sale, still too expensive considering they don't freakin' stick.

I picked up some Revlon Nail Art 3D Jewels Sticker Candy Vibes in Sprinkles at the dollar store last visit, and while a bit stiff, they went on and stayed on without much issue. The sides of most nails had folds in them where they bunched instead of being able to lay flat. The glue would be exposed and turn black- I kept lifting it to scrape that off cause it looked a little gross.

These were much thicker than the Sally Hansen Strips, which was good and bad. Good because they held together better, didn't rip, and peeled off as a big sticker when I was done with them. The thinner strips were better because they mostly fit more snugly to my nails (if they'd stick at all). I am curious if Revlon has a non 3-D version of nail stickers. Maybe the 3-D is what made these SO thick.

Maybe these strips will always be hit or miss and I'll have to just take my chances when using them. I actually prefer to only use a few on each hand as a 'highlight' and paint my other nails solid usually. I really like the lace though and would have loved to have a full set of those (either color). Oh well. I've definitely given up on those... unless I find them at the dollar store again... I may be tempted!

It's NOT a Fad Diet...

I'm not ashamed to say that I've been Gluten Free for over 2 years. I may get crooked looks in the check out lane at the grocery store and I may be the butt of many jokes, but I give no shits. This isn't fucking cool to me. I didn't ask for this.

I'm kind of sick of all of the Gluten Free hate that goes on. Mind your own fucking business first of all. What the fuck does it really matter to you what I eat? Right. It doesn't. Next, it isn't a fad. I WILL NEVER be able to eat wheat, barley or rye AGAIN. EVER. I cannot cheat on my 'diet'. I'm not worried about getting fat if I have a piece of regular bread, I'm terrified of the sickness that ensues, and the damage done to my body that can take years to repair (if ever). Another thing, I find nothing cool about having to read every single label every single time I buy anything. There is nothing cool about paying $5-6 for a hard, tasteless loaf of bread half the size of a regular loaf. There is nothing fun about having to plan trips around where I can eat, loading up with GF snacks as back up, or having a granola bar when I'm fucking starving because there is no where that can hand me a piece of hot cooked anything without whisping wheat all over it first.

I have been at this over two years and I STILL accidentally buy glutened foods, I have accidently eaten gluten and, it SUCKS. When I say I'm Gluten Free I mean my kitchen has no gluten. My pots and pans have never had anything with gluten in them. My baking dishes and my cooking utensils. I replaced my entire kitchen.That's how fucking serious this is to me. Does that sink in at all? It's not just about the loaf of bread... it's about the crumbs too. I cannot put the stuff in my body or my body attacks itself. It's not a hip little game for me.

I have to be careful what spices I use. I have to check EVERY item I buy... including frozen broccoli... YEP, Wal-Mart's frozen veggies may contain wheat... seriously...why?! Honestly, I'm not too bummed because I hate shopping there anyway... but I HAVE to, because they have a tiny little GF section where I can buy flour and pasta and cereal. Sure there are other places for me to shop, and I do, but they are 30 minutes away so it's not always practical for me to make a trip... so I end up at Wal-Mart. This Gluten Free living thing sound like a blast yet?

I'm not saying it's the worst. I get by. In fact, I'm doing very well with it. It's rarely, if ever, an actual problem. I gained weight when I went GF. Want to read that one again? Yes. GAINED. You see, I was malnourished because of eating gluten. I could eat all day, but my body wasn't getting nutrients from food because gluten has damaged my intestines. I was starving to death, very slowly, shoving food in my face daily. Not every Celiac gains after going GF, some lose... we are all different. Our reactions to gluten differ as well. But, it doesn't make it any less serious.

Having people around you not 'getting' it can really suck. My brother once told me he'd rather eat rat poison than eat $5 burgers (I was telling him that I could eat at Five Guys Burgers and Fries*). Luckily for me, I really don't give a shit what he thinks. The day I take health advice from him will be a cold day in hell. It's just the fact that he didn't seem to realize that for me eating gluten IS like eating rat poison... and no one would ever knowingly make that choice.

The ignorant posts online taking a stab at Celiacs for needing GF soaps and lotions and such really piss me off. 'Oh, no... I realize for some people this is needed, but I just hate these hipsters who jump on the bandwagon and drive the prices up for you guys.' No... you don't give a shit about Celiacs or the prices we pay for anything. You don't fucking take this shit seriously like I have no choice but to. You have no idea that for some people gluten causes crazy rashes and open sores. It never crossed your mind that we may actually be allergic to gluten because you're so fucking dead set we are playing some hipster diet fad game like... oh I don't know... the juicing craze... or the southbeach diet... or your stupid fun 'addiction' to wine, or coffee, or bacon. No... going gluten free takes a fucking commitment a lot of people are incapable of comprehending until it is forced onto them. It's not a group we are aching to belong to, but once in it we seek each other out because the people around us are absent minded assholes who think we are full of shit... until they see us sick from being glutened. Even then, it's still hard to get it if you don't have it.

I love how irritated people get because I need a soap without gluten in it, but no one stops to question why gluten is in soap in the first place. Why is that not a problem? Why is there random useless shit in everything we buy? I understand that beer can be a great hair rinse... so if it's on purpose I get that. But, why do so many products potentially contain allergens for no good reason? It's really bizarre to me and I don't just mean gluten. I read a year or so ago about a laundry soap that had peanuts in it for no reason. That's a serious fucking allergy, let's put it in soap that lingers on skin all day. What is that about? Let's be honest, if your kid had a peanut allergy... would you really consider checking your soaps ingredients for peanuts? Probably not.

I'm one of those whose skin is effected by gluten. Years ago my legs looked like they belonged to a crack whore. Straight up. I am rarely ashamed or embarrassed, (it's just my personality-lucky me!) but I would not show my legs because of how bad they looked. The sores just would not stop, and scabs. It was nuts. I had no idea what I was doing to make them appear, and stay. I stopped using products... lotions, soaps, anything because I knew it had to be an allergy. I make my own bathing products and while it slightly improved, those sores didn't go away until I stopped eating gluten. I'm still not walking around in shorty shorts (I'm oddly slightly modest when I leave my castle) but I'm no longer self conscious of my legs.

While I have mostly lived my GF journey without shame and embarrassment I have had my downs. Mostly, I have become more aware of the shame other people want to force on those of us with allergies... and chronic illness. I wonder if experiencing chronic pain and illness years before developing Celiac Disease helped to toughen my skin. I'm used to people not caring, or believing me, or giving a shit... and I just keep on keepin on because... Fuck them.

I stood in line at Aldi a few weeks ago with my one box of liveGfree Gluten Free Cocoa Loco Baked Chewy Bars . The lady behind me was showing me these adorable sprinkles she bought for a school ice cream party. She loved them so much, and really... they were cute. Then she said something like 'even if they don't like them, they'll have to do because you can't send anything to school anymore these days... because of peanuts and all of that'. She was super snotty about it, and it just made it's way right under my skin. I kept smiling and said, 'I can only imagine how much having a deadly allergy must suck for a kid.' That shut her right up. Had she never considered that? I don't suppose most people do. Carry on about the inconvenience of finding an allergen free snack ONCE... when this kid and it's mom have that inconvenience EVERY time they buy ANYTHING. So get over yourself you lucky non allergic jerk face. Stop shaming people for something they cannot control. Especially a kid. We aren't choosing to be difficult. It's not fun for anyone, and honestly we really do hate to be such a bother to you.

I go on mini rampages every now and then when some 'funny' little stab at Celiacs comes about. I have a sense of humor. I can laugh at this. I HAVE to laugh at this or I'd go crazy. But, sometimes the fact that people are just uneducated, hating little pricks just sends me over edge.

*While I can technically eat at Five Guys Burgers and Fries, I rarely do anymore. If I'm really hungry I may stop in for fries if they are slow, I tell them about my allergy- ask them to change gloves- and watch like a hawk. I have been glutened from them and so now am very weary. There is an older woman who works at the one I go to, if she is there I am much more likely to order a burger. She takes my allergy seriously.

Here I go again...

Not sure I'm going to move any mountains blogging. Not real sure what I'm after in doing it. I like to write, to myself... journal like. Getting brave. Posting for the world to see (not that the world will see, but they COULD you know... dangerous!!!) is kind of a therapeutic jump for me. Self-therapy I should clarify. No one is asking me to do this. Just after some reflection I have decided maybe this would be a step for me. I wonder what I'll do with it. If I will keep it up. If I will learn something from it. Of course I will. I always learn something.

That is where this started. Something to be learned. Realizing I need to occupy myself. My mind. I'm bored. Bored with life. I don't have friends. I don't get conversations. I don't have good sex. I sleep, not even comfortably, not even well, and definitely not near enough, but somehow all of the time. I'm fucking bored. I'm seeing a guy. He's boring. I have a kid... and I love him across the universe, but I'm not JUST a mom. Am I? I have been. And, for me at least, being JUST one thing suuuucks. Even if it is something as awesome as being a mom to a super cool, really funny, really smart little dude. You are welcome world. Anyway. I'm bored in my relationship. Just the one remember- no friends. And I'm bored in my role. Just the one remember- JUST a mom.

So, I met a potential friend. All that happened was one night this guy, I'll call him Frankie, came over to see my guy because they are besties, and something clicked. Frankie has been over several times in the few years I've been seeing this same guy. But, I keep to myself. We've had a small chat here and there, but I'm unapproachable and fairly shy... and typically disinterested in most humans. This weird little night there must have been some silly dust in the air because Frankie and I had a conversation. We clicked, we were interested, we were engaged, we talked about... stuff... for like 4 or 5 hours. Until his eyes burned and he had to go get a few hours of sleep before going to work. I was scrolling through Facebook and got a friend request. Oh. My. I'm going to make a friend. Wrong. It didn't work out with us. I'm a hard lass to friend with. I am overly honest, pretty brutally so apparently. And, I don't take shit. So anyway, this Frankie joker just didn't make the cut. Or I didn't make his cut. Who really knows. It was short lived as I predicted, and I was left with some lessons. Win.

First of all, it has been a while since I've had some real conversations and interactions. I possibly gave the boy more credit than was due as far as being a deep thinker. I think on an obsessive level. If you don't know me, and really hardly anyone does, you really don't understand what I mean by obsessive. I take that shit to an all new level. And, I love every second of it. It's not like a creepy, uncomfortable obsessive state. It's like a computer at work, words and pictures and numbers whizzing by and I'm just sorting it. Cleaning up the mess. Working it all out. And somehow, for me... it's like making music. I drill shit into non-existence and I believe it is exhausting for people to deal with. I never let up. There is always a deep thought or a thousand brewing.

Second, he was on some play about teaching me to 'people' as we called it. I was game. You see, I have major social issues. I just don't fucking get it, if I'm honest. The bullshitting. Hellos and How are you's? when you really don't give a shit. I cannot be bothered. Seriously. What is the point? Anyway, I do realize that I don't know what the hell I'm doing in social situations and while I don't really care to socialize, I have a son and thought it might help me teach him these things if I understand why it's worth it. Frankie accidentally confirmed my beliefs that people are real shit and not something I aim to be. Sugar coating is just not something I care to learn, I don't see the benefit. I don't care to constantly tip toe around people trying to make them more comfortable. Last I checked this is my life. I'm the only certain in it. And, I'm certainly not going to sit around miserable trying to make other people happy. Most I won't know in a month... why the hell would I want to know people like that anyway. And oh yes... we are all in this together and must be aware of those around us. Tell me more about how lying and bullshitting accomplishes harmony... If I state my opinion or feeling and it hurts you so be it... at least there is opportunity for conversation and understanding. I think it shows more lack of your character to not be open to communication, than mine in saying exactly what is on my mind. I'm sorry you spend your life offended by everything all of the time. No, actually I'm not sorry at all. Grow the fuck up. Learn to accept your faults, because we all have many. Accept them and see them. Wear them because they are there. It's REALLY okay to not be perfect. I want people in my life that point out to me my flaws. I need to know when I'm being a dick, because 9 times out of 10 I really have no clue... and in pointing that out to me you may actually learn that (like me) most people don't mean to hurt your feelings most of the time. You are just sensitive as hell and no one really knows how to communicate. Being more honest and accepting of other people's flaws actually helps you with your own. Good stuff.

Losing the friendship I almost had left me feeling empty for a bit. Of course it sparked ton of reflection. And, writing. Loads of it. Usually I write in another alphabet so no one can read my journals. This time I was feeling brave and bought a little diary just to write about Frankie in. I had an idea at one point to fill it and give it to him. I abandoned that, mostly because writing cleared my give a shit about him. He is the type that wants to hear that he is special. That he has something other people do not. It's actually a recurring theme with humans, that desire to be above. Anyway, for some reason I wanted him to have that. In some ways he was very fucking special. He got to me. That had to mean something, right? I felt like he deserved to know all of the good (and bad) things I thought of him. All of the thoughts I had of him. How often do we get to really see what someone thinks of us? What an opportunity to get to know yourself. A new perspective, directly and honestly. But I  realized as I wrote to myself (him) he wouldn't learn anything from it. He wouldn't recognize the gold I was giving him. I was giving him too much credit at this point, thinking he'd want to know himself. Finally, I realized that someone who has dedicated his life to avoiding himself and most anything meaningful,  would not even recognize the opportunity for growth reading the effect he had on someone could bring.

So that's it. I wrote to him in a journal in regular letters. Only managed to fill about half of it before running out of shit to think about with him. I moved on. Writing to myself in regular English for the first time since I was a teenager. And, I thought... what if I blogged my journals? Not everything, I'm sure. That'd be excessive... and boring. I'm known for being so incredibly honest, yet no one knows me. I'm not open, I realized. If I am asked a question, I can answer (in a personal setting). But, I don't often just give myself up. So here is my exercise. My thoughts, balls to the wall. Words to the world. Exposing every drop of crazy. Just. Because. I Can.